


T.E.S.T.: Tony's Experimental Serum Tapes

by literally_no_idea



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Abuse, Aftermath of Torture, Child Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Emetophobia, Gen, Guilt, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Howard Stark's Bad Parenting, Human Experimentation, Medical Torture, Not Canon Compliant, Past Torture, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Destruction, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Self-Sacrifice, Super Soldier Serum, Torture, Unethical Experimentation, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-18
Updated: 2019-03-18
Packaged: 2019-11-23 13:30:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18152480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/literally_no_idea/pseuds/literally_no_idea
Summary: When Bucky is brought back to the tower, he, Steve, and Bruce start talking about the realistic ramifications of him being back. They figure that Wakanda will be the best place for him to recover, they’ll have better technology to try and figure out how to undo the brainwashing Bucky’s experienced, what to do about the arm, how it’ll work with Bucky being enhanced by the serum.Tony hesitates, because he barely wants to look at Barnes as it is, he can’t shake the tightness in his chest when he thinks about what happened to Jarvis, to his mom, and he really, really doesn’t want to rewatch the videos he’ll need to watch if he’s going to help Bucky on his own.--Please mind the tags. I can't stress that enough. This story isn't happy.





	T.E.S.T.: Tony's Experimental Serum Tapes

**Author's Note:**

> I messed with the timeline. A lot. Please don't yell at me for this, I'm tired and this fic is honestly 98% self indulgent.
> 
> Basically: Civil War happened, the Bucky/Steve/Tony battle happened, but they all end up back in the tower (Tony offers them safety, the UN gives up on the treaty, they're pardoned, I don't know. Don't look into it too hard, please.)
> 
> Bucky still needs help, but Steve really, really doesn't want him to leave. Tony thinks he can help.
> 
> However, it comes with a catch; they still need more information about the serum before they can help Bucky, and the reason Tony thinks he can help is because his dad tried an experimental version of the serum on him as a kid, and he thinks that watching the videos could help him figure out the problem.
> 
> Painful memories ensue.
> 
> \--
> 
> PLEASE: mind the tags on this story. this one isn't pleasant.

When Bucky is brought back to the tower, he, Steve, and Bruce start talking about the realistic ramifications of him being back. They figure that Wakanda will be the best place for him to recover, they’ll have better technology to try and figure out how to undo the brainwashing Bucky’s experienced, what to do about the arm, how it’ll work with Bucky being enhanced by the serum.

 

Tony hesitates, because he barely wants to look at Barnes as it is, he can’t shake the tightness in his chest when he thinks about what happened to Jarvis, to his mom, and he really, really doesn’t want to rewatch the videos he’ll need to watch if he’s going to help Bucky on his own.

 

The conversation has drifted to apologies, methods of transportation, lots of statements like “I don’t want you to go” and “it’ll be better in the long run,” when Tony interrupts.

 

“I don’t think Barnes needs to go to Wakanda, necessarily. He could stay here.” All three men turn to stare at Tony, who shrugs.  _ Keep it together, Stark, don’t be a selfish ass. You can help him, so just do it _ . “Look, my dad helped with Steve’s serum. I’m pretty sure I still have the records somewhere, and I’ve got a lot better tech and resources than my old man did. Let me see what I can do, and Barnes can stay with Rogers for now, if you want.”

 

Steve says “thank you” with such sincerity that Tony feels guilty for even having thought of staying silent in the first place. Tony brushes it off with as much of his usual fake nonchalance as he can manage, then gets in the elevator to head down to his workshop. When he gets there, he asks JARVIS to pull up the tapes for him.

 

“Sir?” Jarvis asks, a note of concern in his voice. “I thought you never wanted to be reminded that those particular videos existed, let alone watching them?”

 

“Don’t make this harder than it already is, J,” Tony says, dropping into a chair near the center of the room, “just play them. I can probably help Rogers’ friend, but I’m going to need the information from these videos if I have any chance at all.”

 

“As you wish, sir,” Jarvis says, but he sounds disapproving.

 

* * *

 

“Trial One of the Experimental Serum, subject Anthony Stark, 4 year old white male, 36 lbs, 40 inches tall,” Howard’s voice says as the video hologram starts. The video shows a short medical tray next to a small medical table with restraints attached to it, and Howard walks into frame, guiding a young Tony forward with a hand on his shoulder.

 

He picks Tony up, setting him on the table and laying him down, strapping down his wrists and ankles before turning back to the camera. “The subject will be injected with 4 doses of the serum. The serum will be injected through the arms, chest, and stomach, in the hopes of ensuring better distribution throughout the body’s systems. We begin with the arms.”

 

Howard picks up a needle from the tray and uses his other hand to grab Tony’s arm just above the elbow. “Hold still,” is all the warning he gives before pushing the needle into Tony’s arm, and Tony screams, the rest of his body flailing even as his father keeps his right arm pinned to the table, injecting the serum. When he finally pulls the needle out and steps back, Tony is crying.

 

“Stop that. Stark men don’t cry,” Howard snaps, picking up a second needle and walking around the table to grab Tony’s other arm. Tony sniffles, but otherwise stops crying. When the second injection begins, Tony starts crying again, sobs that start and stop as Tony clearly tries to get his tears back under control, failing over and over again.

 

Howard steps away. The second injection is finished, and Tony collapses back against the table, entire body limp with pain and exhaustion. “We move next to the chest,” Howard says, and the needle he holds up this time is at least three inches long. Tony lets out a broken sob.

 

“Please, dad, please, no, please, I can’t, please please please, please,” he cries, and his dad just sighs.

 

“Tony, we talked about this. Once the test starts, we have to finish it, okay? You’ll just have to tough it out, son,” Howard says, using one hand to pin Tony down to the table. “Okay. Injection number three,” he says, letting out a deep breath as he pushes the needle in.

 

Tony thrashes, Howard barely keeping him still as he screams and screams, tears and pleas jumbled together in a mess of sound.

 

* * *

 

Sitting in his workshop, Tony almost misses it when Howard pulls the needle out and his younger self whispers, hoarse from screaming, “dad, please, I can’t.” Tony’s barely breathing, frozen in shock because he doesn’t even remember this, how does he not remember this, and it’s only when he doesn’t hear any other noises that he realizes that Jarvis paused the video.

 

“Keep playing it, J,” he says, but the video doesn't continue.

 

“Sir, I believe this is detrimental to your health at the moment, and--”

 

“Just play it, Jarvis!” Tony shouts, and there’s a pause before the video continues playing.   
  


* * *

 

The young Tony on the table just watches silently, eyes pleading, as Howard picks up the fourth needle, turning to the camera. “The final injection will be in the stomach. Results of this trial should be evident in the next few weeks. If no progress is evident, blood samples will be taken and further modifications made to the serum.”

 

Howard uses his forearm to hold Tony down this time, and even as Tony’s legs thrash uncontrollably, he continues the injection, holding Tony as still as possible. As he steps back for a final time, he turns to the camera, grimacing. “Trial one is now complete. Further trials and tests will have to take place on another day.”

 

* * *

 

As the video fades to black, Tony shudders out the breath he’s been holding, having gone from sitting upright in the chair to sitting with his legs tucked against his chest, arms wrapped around his legs protectively. He stays there, sobbing, until JARVIS tells him that the rest of the Avengers are requesting his presence for dinner.

 

“Tell them I’m busy,” Tony croaks out, and then there’s silence again. Tony takes a shaky breath.

 

“Okay, J, play the second one.”

 

There might have been a pause, Tony thinks he zoned out for a minute, before the second video starts to play.

 

* * *

 

It’s the same room, same table, same instruments. “Trial Two of the experimental serum, subject Anthony Stark, 4 year 6 month old white male, 38 pounds, 41.6 inches tall,” Howard’s voice says, and then there’s the click of a door opening, and young Tony’s voice screams across the room.

 

“Dad, no, stop, please! I don’t want to, I don’t want to, I don’t want to,” he repeats, feet scrabbling on the floor to get away, but Howard just picks him up, carries him to the table and drops him onto it, forcing him to stay there with a hand on his chest.

 

“Son, stop struggling. Are you really going to be the one who prevents science from progressing just because you’re a little scared? Because of a little pain? I would have expected better from you.”

 

The words make Tony flinch, and even though he fights against being restrained, it’s clear that he’s not fighting quite as hard as he probably could. Once he’s restrained, Howard turns back to the camera.

 

“The same procedure while be performed as the first test; 4 injections, in the arms, chest, and stomach. The arms first.”

 

Howard picks up the needle and, with a tight grip on Tony’s right elbow, injects the serum. He moves to the other side, performing the second injection, and Tony sobs, body thrashing weakly on the table.

 

“The chest, now,” Howard says, and he has to lay across Tony’s body to hold him still while he does the injection, Tony screaming beneath him.

 

“Stop! Please, stop! It hurts, it hurts, dad, please!”

 

Tony’s cries are ignored as Howard pulls the needle out, finishing the final injection in Tony’s stomach, and then taking off the restraints on Tony’s wrists and ankles. Tony goes to climb off the table and falls, collapsing to his knees as he vomits, snot and tears and puke mixing on the floor as Tony heaves, sobbing.

 

Howard recoils, jumping out of the way in disgust.

 

“Anthony! God, I’ll have to leave that in the video, too, for future research. Get it together, son, that’s revolting.”

 

Howard steps out of view, and the video stops.

 

* * *

 

In the workshop, adult Tony has also collapsed to the floor, having just barely managed to grab the nearest trash can in time before he also vomits, emptying his stomach of the remains of his lunch until he’s dry heaving, not even stomach acid coming up anymore.

 

Tony leans back, sitting on his heels and wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

 

“JARVIS, play the next video.”

 

“Sir, I don’t think that’s a good idea--”

 

“For god’s sake, Jarvis, I don’t fucking care! I don’t have a fucking choice, okay? Just play it, okay? Don’t-- Don’t make this harder for me than it already is,” Tony finishes, voice barely above a whisper.

 

The next video starts to play, and Tony moves to sit cross legged on the floor, trash can in front of him. He has a feeling he’s going to need it.

 

* * *

 

By noon the next day, Tony still hasn’t come down to the communal floor, and Steve is starting to get worried that he’s having second thoughts about helping Bucky and letting him stay. Steve tries to put the thoughts aside, focusing on spending time with Bucky, but eventually he can’t help it.

 

“JARVIS, can you give me Tony’s location?” he asks, and there’s a pause.

 

“Sir is unable to respond to me at this time. Unfortunately, due to the current security protocols, I cannot give you his location. Only Colonel Rhodes and Ms. Potts have access to that information without Sir’s permission.”

 

Steve nods. “Can you send a message to Colonel Rhodes and ask him to call me? I really need to talk to Tony.”

 

“Absolutely, Captain Rogers.”

 

It takes about 2 hours for Rhodey to get back to him.

 

“Captain Rogers, what can I do for you?” Rhodey asks, tone clipped and formal. Steve understands. The last time they interacted, it wasn’t on good terms.

 

“Colonel Rhodes, I need to talk to Tony about something, but according to JARVIS he isn’t responding and only you and Pepper Potts have access to Tony’s location without Tony’s permission.”

 

There’s an almost audible frown in Rhodey’s voice. “He’s not responding to Jarvis? What’s so urgent that you need to talk to him, anyway?”

 

“He offered to let Bucky stay in the tower, figure out how to fix Bucky’s arm and the brainwashing despite possible complications from the serum, but he hasn’t been on the communal floor since 4pm yesterday, and I’m worried he might be having second thoughts.”

 

Rhodey lets out a slew of colorful words. “You goddamn idiot. You should have accepted that offer. I’ll be there in less than an hour. Don’t go looking for Tony, leave him alone.”

 

The line goes dead before Steve can say anything, and he drops the phone from his ear, staring at it in confusion.

 

* * *

 

Rhodey shows up exactly 58 minutes later, scowling and storming across the communal floor. He points at Steve, then Bucky.

 

“You two. Follow me, and don’t fucking speak. Not a word, you hear me? This isn’t going to be pretty, and I need you to see it.”

 

Steve and Bucky trade a nervous look, but they both stand, the rest of the team watching from the living room couches as the two men follow Rhodey into the elevator.

 

“JARVIS, Tony’s workshop, please.”

 

The elevator takes them down to Tony’s workshop, and Rhodey types in his access code, the door clicking as it unlocks, and Rhodey starts to push the door open, pausing before Steve or Bucky can see past him into the room.

 

Rhodey turns to face them. “You think you two both managed to turn into the enhanced super soldiers and no one else was ever tested on, to try and recreate it? No one else tried to make another, hopefully better version? You weren’t the only two people who were lab experiments, and you should know what happened to other people who weren’t nearly as lucky.”

 

Rhodey finally pushes the door open, eyes scanning the room quickly and locking onto his target.

 

Rhodey drops to his knees in front of Tony’s unconscious body, picking him up in his arms. “Tony, hey, wake up. I’m here, buddy, I’m here, but you’ve got to wake up,” he says, lifting one hand to hold Tony’s face. He stays there, talking to Tony, while Steve and Bucky hover nearby, shifting from foot to foot uncomfortably.

 

Then, without warning, Tony’s eyes fly open, and he gasps, hands scrabbling against Rhodey’s chest as he looks for something to grab on to, and he’s screaming, a violent, ear splitting scream that leaves both Steve and Bucky stumbling back, eyes wide.

 

“Stop! I can’t, I can’t, I’m sorry, please, stop, stop,” Tony screams, words devolving into sobs as he clutches handfuls of Rhodey’s shirt, shaking violently.

 

“I don’t want to, I can’t, please, please, no, don’t, can’t, please,” Tony sobs, and Rhodey just holds him through it, rubbing soothing circles on his back.

 

“It’s okay, Tony, you’re safe. It’s August 20th, 2016, you’re in Avengers tower, you’re safe. It’s me, Rhodey, I’m here, you're safe, it’s okay. You’re safe, it’s okay,” Rhodey repeats, and Steve isn’t sure if it’s helping or not, but Tony does start to calm down, screams slowing down into softer, hiccuping sobs, until Tony’s just curled up against Rhodey, breathing heavily, eyes shut again.

 

After possibly the longest 40 minutes of Steve’s life, Tony has finally calmed down, breathing almost back to normal, and he blinks his eyes open, glancing first at Steve and Bucky, and then settling his eyes on Rhodey.

 

“I’m sorry, you were working, weren’t you? I didn’t mean for you to get called here, I’m sorry,” he mumbles to Rhodey, who rolls his eyes and pulls Tony in closer.

 

“I told you, I’m always going to help you. You’ll always be a part of the Rhodes family, remember? My mama told you that every Christmas, and the sentiment stays.”

 

Tony laughs weakly, then turns to look back at Steve and Bucky.

 

“Sorry. You didn’t need to see this. Uh, I should have solutions ready for you guys in two, maybe three weeks? Call it three, just in case.”

 

Rhodey shakes his head, staring at Steve. “No, he won’t. He’s not going to do it. You need to send Barnes to Wakanda.”

 

Steve looks at Bucky, but he looks equally confused, so he turns back to Rhodey and Tony. “Wait, I don’t understand. What’s going on?”

 

Rhodey gives Tony a pointed look, and Tony sighs. “It’s not a big deal. We need to know how to work with the serum, right? Like, how to get all this stuff done despite the effects of the serum. Well, we know that blood samples can only do so much, and we need more data, so. I just happen to have more data that can help.”

 

Steve frowns. “But, couldn’t you just give that data to Shuri in Wakanda? Why do you have to do it yourself?”

 

Tony suddenly becomes very interested with a loose thread on the bottom of his shirt. “Well, because I don’t necessarily want anyone, especially someone as young and caring as Shuri, to see me screaming in pain on video.”

 

Steve pales, and so does Bucky. “Are you saying… are you saying that you were injected with the serum too?” Steve asks, and Tony shrugs.

 

“Not a really good version, honestly, but yeah. After you, my dad became obsessed with recreating Erskine’s serum. Making hundreds of super soldiers to protect America. But he needed to test the serum first, and it wasn’t really easy to find volunteers to try a completely untested, unregulated serum, so my dad just. Used the test subject he could get.”

 

There’s a few minutes of silence, and Tony sighs.

 

“Look, it’s no big deal. Just, give me time. I’ll figure this out.”

 

Bucky’s the one to speak up first.

 

“No, Stark. I’ll go to Wakanda. Shuri can figure something out.”

 

Tony looks like he’s going to protest, and Bucky holds up a hand.

 

“I’ve been through the whole ‘forced experimentation’ thing. Just the experience itself was traumatizing enough. I can’t imagine them do it to me also. I’m not letting you do that. I’ll go to Wakanda. They’ll figure it out.”

 

Tony looks shocked, and his mouth opens and closes silently a few times before he finally manages words. “I can. Send the paper documents, that went with the experiments.”

 

Bucky nods. “Yeah, okay. Let’s figure out how this is going to work.”

 

* * *

 

Bucky leaves later that day, but it’s another three days before Tony finally drags himself out of the workshop and up to the communal floor. Tony’s just taken his first bite of food in three days (a cold piece of ham and pineapple pizza, because Clint’s a heathen and Tony just grabbed the first thing he saw) when Steve approaches him, and it takes all of Tony’s mental will to not immediately flee.

 

“I wanted to apologize,” Steve says, and all of the defensive responses and apologies Tony had started to formulate in his head crumble.

 

“What?” Tony kicks himself for not having a better response, but he decides he can just blame it on Barton’s shitty choice in pizza. It’s obviously the pineapple making it hard to think.

 

“I’m sorry, for asking you to do that. For Bucky. It wasn’t fair in the first place, not with the secrets I kept from you about him, but then you felt obligated to put yourself through something traumatic, just to make me happy, and. I shouldn’t have asked that of you. That wasn’t fair. It was cruel, even. I’m sorry.”

 

Tony swallows the bite of pizza he was chewing.

 

“It’s fine, okay? Don’t worry about it. I do stupid things a lot, I don’t need your help to do that. I’m a natural at it, really. Trauma is kind of my thing. But uh. Thank you.”

 

Tony finally gives into his urges and flees the room, heading back down to his workshop, where he ends up just laying on the floor on his back, staring at the ceiling. He doesn’t know what’ll happen in the future. But Steve apologizing might have been a good start. He sighs, sitting up.

 

“JARVIS, give me the current specs for Cap’s suit down here. We’ve got work to do.”

 

“Certainly, Sir.”


End file.
